Life is a mystery

Sometimes I wish I knew things before they happen, or tell the future a la Raven style from the American TV series 'That's so Raven' but real life is different and we cannot always get what we wish for.

I've been through things I could have prevented if I knew better and I've wished to have had an opportunity before hand to alter them but life has a crazy way of teaching us a lesson. How crazy would it have been if we're foretold our predetermined destinies?

This is just wishful thinking in my part and God had a much greater purpose in mind by allowing us to do things out way. Things would be a little different than they are at the moment. I've come to learn that life teaches us lessons, it grows us to be-come better people, to make mistakes and most of all Life is a beautiful mystery.

Dear Future Self

How are you? How are things in the future? Are things as great as I've imagined? I hope you're living the life you've always dream't of, that I've always yearned for. You've worked hard to be where you are. At the moment things are't really that bad, you completed high school with a meritorious award, got your degree in record time and also completed your Honours. 

Academically, you’ve been doing very well indeed and with little effort. You know you can be an exceptional student but you doubt yourself and your abilities.

Hope you have dealt with that because you’ll mess things up for the both of us. You're a life long learner, you wish to study further and have your PhD by the time you turn 30. You’ve really out done yourself without much support from family. You lost your parents at 21, I know you [we] feel very alone, lonely and lost because you think no one is there for you and all you need is someone to love you for who you are. Don’t worry 'cause one day you’ll find someone that does. 

Stop being hard on yourself, mistakes happen. You are too much of a perfectionist that’s why you can’t have long intimate relationships. We have to deal with this right now!

I look in the mirror and envision how your life will be like, I see you haven't lost your zest for life. Your love for beautiful things see me lusting for great things beyond me imagination. Things we'll enjoy and you'll leave for the future generation. Your smile is perfection, like you do not know a sad day. You have 'seen' it all. The pain of losing loved ones has seen you creating relationships and hoping they last long. Lost opportunities have made you kinder and spiritual. I hope you haven't lost touch with the man above, the creator of heaven and earth. I see you looking immaculate in your suit, stepping out off of your corner office to enjoy a cup of coffee with a client to talk business. You enjoy these type of things because you've worked hard to be where you are. You like your coffee strong and black, you tell them its because it personifies the things you've come across.  Your walk to your fancy auto mobile is like a dance of a well trained performer, the tap tap of your shoes is music to my ears. Your black chariot awaits you, 'Your Highness'. You await the end of day with baited breathe as you'll finally spend time with the ones you love. You have everything you've ever wanted and needed. It amazes me how you still have time to help your 'brothers and sisters'. Your humbles is a thing of wonder to a man looking in from the outside. Your close relationship with God is humbling. You still get down your knees and pray for everything and everyone. Your forgiveness for life's little faults have seen you start businesses with people whom everyone have thought you were enemies.My greatest desire is to be with you and enjoy every little thing you have, have the pleasure of having a one-on-one conversation with you as to get your old age wisdom. Your advise will be highly appreciated at this given moment, old mate. 

From Me

Your Past, Present and Future!

Dreams of a broken rag doll

I wrote the following poem when I was 20 years-old. I was really messed up at the time and I still am, I thought the world was against me, I thought God did not love me, I had so many horrible thoughts about myself and life in general. I'm glad I grew up and became the person that I am today.

Flickering like a candle 

controlled by things I can't handle

This could be the End of Me

how I wish I could Fly

Is this be just a dream?

The whole World is against me

Is this 'cause I'm Broken and Useless

I'm Bleeding internally

Monsters Licking my Blood in dark shadows

Griping for dear Life

how I wish I had the strength!

To strike 'fore it approaches

I swing in my strings

Like a feather being blown in the Wind

Manipulated by life's endeavours

Postulated by the storm that is my life

In my heart I know I shall come right

I do not know me

I know I have no one to blame but me

I failed myself

In the Battle that is life

And my dreams shall n-ever come true 

(30.11.2008)

Thoughts before bed: Challenges

Life is not perfect, looking in from the outside at other peoples lives, we assume that they have it all and their lives are without any problems. Life as I know it throws different challenges at us, this in my opinion is a lesson in disguise. What we need to do is to learn whatever is we have to from the situation and become better people at the end of the day. 

Allow your bad situation to change you in order to experience the life you deserve.

Good night everyone! 

A year for change

In this new year, I have made a lot of plans about my life. I did not write New Years resolutions as is the tradition with most people. I've made plans that will form an important part of my life.

I feel that people forget their resolutions once things get hectic in their lives and they forget to adjust and live life as they've planned. Going back to my original idea, this is going to be a year of great changes, achievements and lessons.

2013 was a great year and I believe that this year is going to be far better. I've invested a lot of my time on getting things I don't need and want, on friendships I shouldn't have, on things that aren't making a deference to my life, etc. for me to become the person I'm meant to be I need to start living an exceptional life today in order to be the person I'm yearning to become. I will not necessarily write each plan down 'cause that will be limiting myself and putting myself up for failure. I'm jotting things as I go because I believe I'm not this way or that way. A thing I'm willing to change the most is being the best in everything I do. I know this is very difficult but I don't want to live an average life. I think I'm the laziest person ever as a result I tend to perform averagely as I don't put as much effort as I should.

I'm sick of looking at what I've done and then think that I could have done better. I am willing to go beyond what I have shown I can do. I know things can happen and then throw you off your plans but I'm willing to work in being the best person I could ever be and in the process learn a lot about myself, my surroundings and life in general!

Mourning for loved ones

Image: http://www.oprah.com

How does one mourn for the loss of a loved one? This question is one of those questions that cannot be answered at a drop of a hat. 

I've lost both of my parents at a very young age and believe me when I say that one cannot answer the previous question at a drop of a hat, I still do not know how to. 

In my personal experience, With my father it was different since I did not know him that well, and it took me time to actually believe that the man who took part in my creation has passed on. The very same year I lost my Mother, my Queen, my everything! I did not get time to grieve properly since I was writing final exams at University. 

That year has to be the hardest year of my life. I experienced worst things but losing my parents has to be the hardest thus far. Back to the question I have posed. We mourn in different ways, our culture and/or religion contributes greatly to how we mourn. At home, we do not have any cultural practices that constitute to the grieving process. I had to go through this on my own as I was not that religious during this hard phase of my life. My family was there but I felt alone and not needed. I felt that nobody understood what I was going though and I got detached from people in the process. I am sure you're wondering why am I writing about this now?!? Today I received the news that one of my former colleagues has passed on. The first thing that came into my mind was her kids and how much I loved this woman. She was a great person, I loved her dearly and she taught me a lot about myself. I hope her kids receive the right help as they go through this. 


According to McCambridge and Doka These are the ways to claim your right to grieve:

1. Recognize that there is nothing wrong with you. Whatever your feelings are, they're legitimate. 
2. Find people who will understand. Search online—there are bereavement support groups for just about any type of loss.
3. Be honest about how you feel. If a well-meaning friend cracks a joke about your deceased ex-husband, says Doka, soberly explain that this loss is painful for you.
4. Develop a ritual or ceremony to commemorate the person's passing. Visit the grave after the funeral—or hold a private one—when you can take as much time as you need to express your anguish. 

Read more: http://www.oprah.com/health/Healthy-Ways-to-Mourn-Disenfranchised-Grief#ixzz2jyFnLKkC